


(don’t fear) the reaper

by steelatoms



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst, Crying, F/M, Five Stages of Grief, Grief/Mourning, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Season/Series 04, hand holding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2020-01-25 18:25:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18580093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/steelatoms/pseuds/steelatoms
Summary: Moving forward is important.





	(don’t fear) the reaper

**Author's Note:**

> wow two fics in one night I am busy!
> 
> thanks to @CLAIRMONTBISHOP on twitter for the idea

_ Moving forward is important.  Acceptance is the final stage of grief.  There’s more to life than pain. You’ll get through this. _

 

These were words Nate Heywood had heard before, when his dog died at age ten, when he lost a cousin aged seventeen, when his grandfather died sacrificing himself when he was a fully grown adult (it was times like these Amaya was especially missed).

 

Despite some initial qualms, he somehow always came round to believing the words, and allowing himself to grieve properly, to let other people care for him as he allowed the sorrow to wash over him.

 

Following his dad’s murder at the hands of a demon, he simply didn’t have the time, and no amount of silent, lonely sobs that lasted about two minutes and only increased the pain could help him.

 

Everyone around him knew he was spiralling, even after Neron was for sure done with, when they had finished being heroes (until the next time they inevitably screwed something up) and finally could rest, they knew Nate couldn’t.

 

Ray had known Nate for a few years and considered him his best friend in the whole multiverse, knew him inside and out and though he was dealing with his own issues (being possessed by a demon being one of them), all he cared about was the fact that the monster who killed one of Nate’s family had briefly been wearing his face.

  
He worried that Nate could never look at him in the same way again.

 

Similarly, Zari, who was Nate’s… something, they hadn’t figured it out yet in all the chaos, recognised his behaviour, as she herself had once acted in the same manner, had been through the spouts of destructive rage and dead silence as she tried not to be smothered under the weight of her own thoughts.

 

So one day, the two decided to intervene, to confront the man they both loved (in one way or another) and try to get him to unbottle the feelings that were bubbling inside of him.

 

_ “You sure about this?”  _ Zari asked Ray, “It won’t be pretty when he breaks.  He might never fully recover.”

 

Ray nodded solemnly, “He’s my best friend, Z.  He needs my help. He can’t keep doing this, it’s going to kill him.  He can’t handle bottling this stuff up.”   
  


“And you?  Can you handle bottling  _ your  _ stuff up?” Zari asked.

 

Uncertainty flickered across the scientist’s face, and he sighed, “I guess I have to.  My feelings can wait, at least until tomorrow.”

 

“Okay.” Zari swallowed thickly, “Let’s do this.”   
  


They opened the door of Hank’s old office and saw Nate sitting in his chair, just as he had been doing for the past couple of days, ever since they killed Neron.

 

“Hey, buddy.” Ray began, eyes searching Nate’s form.

 

He looked rough, as if he hadn’t slept for days, hair a mess, some scruff growing on his chin and his eyes bleary and red.  In his hand was a glass of whiskey, and the image almost reminded Ray of Constantine, of how he drunk away his sorrows and grew disdainful of everyone.

 

As much as he had grown to respect the warlock, he couldn’t let Nate become like him.

 

“Hey guys.” Nate’s voice sounded thick, as if his throat was sore, “What’s up?”

 

Zari, deciding to break the awkward tension, spoke, “We’re-- we’re worried about you, Nate.”   
  


“I’m fine,” he didn’t even attempt to veil the lie, looking down, “Never been better.”   
  


Zari sighed, “You’re not.  First with your dad, then  _ Heyworld _ being destroyed--”   
  


“--sorry about that.” Ray interjected.

 

Zari continued, “You’ve been through Hell this past month.  I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to have a breakdown or something.”

 

“Wait.” Nate released a cold, humorless laugh, “So, you two are here because you wanna make me weepy?  Look, my dad died, I’m over it. I’m fine!”   
  


“Denial.” Ray noted, “One of the stages of grief.”

 

Nate scoffed, “So now you’re seriously going to psychoanalyse me?   _ Great. _ ”

 

“We’re not psychoanalysing you, we just want you to talk to us.” Ray pleaded, “Because we can both see this is killing you.”

 

Zari nodded, “We both care about you, Nate, we’re just worried.”

 

“Okay, you want me to talk?” Nate threw the glass down, getting to his feet, “Fine, let’s talk.  Ray, you’re trying to psychoanalyse me because you’re the scientist of the group and it just  _ fascinates  _ you how my brain chemistry is processing all this, but let’s be real, it’s also a bit of Neron wiring his way back into you.  He was obsessed with human weakness too, maybe you’re still possessed.”   
  


At Ray’s look of shame and sadness, Zari snapped, “Hey, that’s enough--”   
  


“Oh, is it now?” Nate interjected, “All of this is coming from the girl who is emotionally closed off from every single person she meets.  You’re the apathetic one who doesn’t care, remember? So stop caring about me! God knows I don’t want you to.”   
  


Zari’s heart sunk in her chest, “You don’t mean any of this,” her voice shook a little, “You’re just acting out to push us away.   You want to be left alone to wallow in your own misery so you’re being a complete asshole to us.”   
  


“Well, maybe you should get the damn message.” Nate hissed, then threw back the rest of his whiskey, it burning down his throat.

  
He went for the bottle, but felt Ray gently grasp his wrist, “You need to stop, man.  Look, none of this will help.”   
  


“Get the  _ fuck  _ off me!” Nate shoved Ray away, then screamed so loud the whole floor probably heard him,  _ “Just leave me alone!”  _ as he cleared everything off the desk in one fell swoop, including a photograph of his dad, the one which he had been staring at the past couple of days.

  
The shattering of the picture frame as it fell upon the laminate immediately broke Nate out of his state of anger.  Zari looked down at the photo for a second, seeing the smashed glass around it, then she glanced back up at Nate, who was beginning to tremble.

 

He slid down the side of the desk, unable to take his eyes off the broken picture as the first sob came, quiet at first.  Then the second one came, and it was louder, loud enough for Ray and Zari to properly hear.

 

_ “Dad…”  _ he whispered, feeling Ray kneel beside him and wrap his arms around his shoulders, resting his chin against the blade,  _ “Oh, God.”  _ he babbled under his breath,  _ “He’s gone.” _

 

Zari joined in the embrace, holding him from the other side, also taking one of his hands and lightly running her thumb over his knuckles.

 

Tears fell from Nate’s eyes as he shivered in their embrace, murmuring apologies between hysterical sobs, each one both painful and relieving, like a geyser of built up sorrow was finally allowed to breathe and he was allowed to fall back down, back to where they would catch him, just as they always would.

 

It wasn’t over, grief never was, but finally,  _ finally,  _ Nate was able to feel something, to let out every emotion that had been stuck within him; rage (Neron killed his dad and nearly killed his friend), fear (how was he supposed to make it through life without his father?), guilt (everything Hank built for him was destroyed) and finally, grief, beautiful, destructive, agonising grief, more devastating than anything he had  _ ever  _ felt, and he was finally allowed to let go, to mourn, to hold and be held.

 

And eventually, perhaps move forward.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos/comments are appreciated


End file.
